When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
