Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
