I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
