Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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