Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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