Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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