Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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