I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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