to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
