if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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