take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think your dad took our porno
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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