I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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