i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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