dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
