What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
