just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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