I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him āfuck meā eyes during a lecture a few times.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
