he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
