By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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