I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
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