dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
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He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
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Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?