our cab driver is having phone sex.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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