Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
