I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
