I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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