if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
