Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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