Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
