dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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