I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
