Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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