I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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