i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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