Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just gargled with NyQuil
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
