So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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