So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
