i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
