No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
