a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
bring money and cleavage
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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