I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
