So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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