he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
