nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
