how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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