Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
