is your mom at the bar?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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