she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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