What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize