apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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