I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
