There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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