i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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