its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
