Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
