Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Text me some of your sweat
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